Calories

Calories; A calorie is a unit of energy. In nutrition and everyday language, calories refer to energy consumption through eating and drinking and energy usage through physical activity. For example, an apple may have 80 calories, while a 1 mile walk may use up about 100 calories.

Calories to me; evil numbers that make me fat and if I have to many I hate myself for it so much I want to hurt myself or purge.

So today I’ve had the most calories I’ve had In a year and it’s killing me. I thought there was less calories then there was in something I ate which messed me up all day. I just want to get rid of all of them. I know I worked today and I need to eat more on days I work but this is unacceptable.

Psych appointment

So i have been seeing a psychologist since I was 10, my current one since January 2013 so over a year. I have been through several hospitalizations, suicide attempts, countless medication changes, severe depression, severe anxiety, an eating disorder and more. Since January all though my eating disorder has gotten worst I was put on a new medication called Saphris its an anti psychotic and since then my suicide thoughts have almost disappeared, I had chronic suicidal thoughts it was basically all I thought about all the time. Now I just got a job (which I had to quit a year ago because I was in the hospital so much and I was on so many meds I couldn’t work) Im working towards moving out with my boyfriend. I have my days with depression but its so much better then it was. I rarely think of suicide, I still have the thoughts but I haven’t attempted in over a year. So my psychologist was really happy today and said Ive come a long way. He was so happy to hear I got a job and all my meds at working properly.

anyway yay positive post

Here we go again

So I was driving home and heard Here we go again by demi lovato, and it PERFECTLY describes my relationship with my eating disorder, 

lyrics:

I throw all of your stuff away
Then I clear you out of my head
I tear you out of my heart
And ignore all your messages
I tell everyone we are through
‘Cause I’m so much better without you
But it’s just another pretty lie
‘Cause I break down
Every time you come around
(Uh, Oh Uh, Oh)

So how did you get here under my skin
Swore that I’d never let you back in
Should’ve known better
Then trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re fallin’ together
You think that by now I’d know
‘Cause here we go go go again

You never know what you want
And you never say what you mean
But I start to go insane
Everytime that you look at me
You only hear half of what I say
And you’re always showing up too late
And I know that I should say goodbye
But it’s no use
Can’t be with or without you
(Uh, Oh Uh, Oh)

So how did you get here under my skin
Swore that I’d never let you back in
Should’ve known better
Then trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re fallin’ together
You think that by now I’d know
‘Cause here we go go go again

And again and again and again
I throw all your stuff away
And then I cleared you out of my head
And I tore you out of my heart
(Uh, Oh Uh, Oh)

So how did you get here under my skin
Swore that I’d never let you back in
Should’ve known better
Then trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re fallin’ together
You think that by now I’d know
‘Cause here we go go

Here we go again
Here we go again
Should’ve known better
Then trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Again and again and again and again

 

Basically it saying I try to get rid of it but I never really can because I always come back to my eating disorder

It describes recovery and relapse

What sparked this?

Well I had an appointment with my treatment team, and Im not eating enough im still restricting and if I want to move forward with life (my new job) I need to eat more or I wont be able to function ill continue being really tired and sick. So I need to make a decision do I throw myself under the bus before I even start and keep restricting, do I eat more on days I work or do I just eat how much im supposed to and fight eating disorder thoughts I wish this was easier.

 

Here we go again

June blues

A year ago today I attempted suicide
A bottle of pills on a random impulse (I went off my meds because I thought they were making me fat it was under a doctors supervision thou) the ironic thing is I was going to a support group for people who had attempted suicide.
I got my rights taken away and put on a form 1 (meaning i was a risk to myself and had to stay on observation for 72 hours) they also tried to take my licences away. I quit my job because I felt to mentally unstable to work. So yeah it sucked.
I’d love to say I’m like 100% better everything’s lovely but it’s not
I’ve been in bed all day because I’m so tired from my iron being so low because I’ve starved myself for so long. I don’t even know if I wish I died or not that day.
Ug the struggle

7 Things: What Not To Say To People With Eating Disorder

Write Here, Write Now

Eating disorder is a plague that haunts you without warning. There is no time or place but there is always a reason that triggered it in the first place.

I often wondered how different my relationships with people if ED hasn’t consumed my life. Would I have been less vulnerable to criticism or just a mere harmless comment? Or on the brink of teetering on the edge all the time? Would I have learn to trust more, forgive and forget easily?

Back to the point. You may insist that you did not notice the signs that your loved one is having eating disorder, but, start putting the accusations aside, and start caring what poison spews out of your mouth.

1. Do NOT comment on their body weight.
You are looking better than I’ve last saw you. / Wow, you finally grew some flesh on those bones. / You look healthy.

View original post 349 more words

5 Things I Wish People Knew About Eating Disorder Recovery

Getting a job

In feb 2013 I was hospitalized for being suicidal I then attempted in hospital a month later and ended up being in hospital until may 2013 I got out and went back to work but then end of June 2013 I attempted suicide again. I decided to quit my job because I felt to mentally unstable.

I have been off work since then, I have felt so stupid beiNg 20 years old not working on disability due to mental illness.

But about a month ago me and my boyfriend decided we wanted to move out so I decided maybe it was time to get a job.

Yesterday I went to a job fair and landed a job! I start Friday I’m excited but scared I won’t be able to handle it I’m still not eating enough my irons very low which makes me tired and dizzy all the time. My depression and anxiety are so bad I can’t get out of bed some days but hey mite as we’ll give it a try I don’t know how I’m going to do it

Wish me luck
Maybe this is what I need to encourage me to eat more and try harder

Self harm

If you don’t know what self harm is :
Self-harm (SH) or deliberate self-harm (DSH) includes self-injury (SI) and self-poisoning and is defined as the intentional, direct injuring of body tissue most often done without suicidal intentions.

Anyway I started cutting when I was 14 but self harming when I was probably 10. I am 20 now so that’s 10 years! Which is nuts, as of today in 33 days clean. It’s such a hard habit to kick I stop for a bit then come back to it. It’s an addiction. The feeling you get from cutting the one second that you feel alright but then comes the scars and the guilt it’s never worth it but I can’t seem to get that through my head. I know hundreds of way to stop the urge and distract myself I guess it’s just finding what works and I’ve got a few ways right now that work. So if you self harm and want to stop (I know you mite be thinking why would u want to hurt yourself but I went through a stage where I’d harm myself several times a day and didn’t want to stop I needed it) keep trying to stop and don’t give up one day clean is better then zero!

What this eating disorder has done to me

I wish I could go back and stop myself from restricting I never had a healthy relationship with food I’ve always restricting on and off and exercised obsessively but if I could back to the day I decided that’s it no more food I would and I’d tell myself everything I could lose and how sick it could make me

So here’s so far (and hopefully this is all it ever is) everything I’ve lost (or in result) from my eating disorder

Physical health:

I’m anemic, causing me to be tired all the time and weak.

My vitamin d levels are low causing me to be more depressed

My estrogen levels are so low that I’ve lost my period for 7 months now
It’s ruined my sex live with my boyfriend (no sex drive and it hurts to much)
I have mood swings from as a result of my hormone levels being low to

My hair is falling out like crazy my nails are peeling

I can’t concentrate at all (could be due to low vitamin levels or psychological issues)

Don’t even get me started on constipation that’s something you wouldn’t think came with an eating disorder but no food in = no food out

And thankful that’s all for now more blood tests tomorrow

Mental health:

Depression
I’ve always been depressed but now it’s just added on top of everything else

More anxiety
Due to food and weight concerns

OCD
I’ve always had some OCD but with my ed it’s gotten worst (which often happens with OCD and eating disorders) I obsess over everything

Sleeping problems
Without my medication I can not sleep at all no matter how tired I am

Life problems

Relationship with my boyfriend
Has suffered

Relationships with friends
What friends?

I can’t work or go to school because I’m to sick and not eating enough

I don’t want to lose anymore to this stupid eating disorder

What it means to have ednos (eating disorder not otherwise specified)

If you don’t know what ednos is here a quick summery
ating disorder not otherwise specified (EDNOS) is an eating disorder that does not meet the criteria for anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa.[1] Thus, individuals who have clinically significant eating disorders that do not meet DSM-V criteria for anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa are diagnosed with EDNOS. Individuals with EDNOS usually fall into one of three groups: subthreshold symptoms of anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa, mixed features of both disorders, or extremely atypical eating behaviors that are not characterized by either of the other established disorders.[2] In other words, EDNOS acts as a default category, and is defined by what it is not. Currently, EDNOS is the most commonly diagnosed eating disorder in clinical settings.

Thank you wiki

Anyway to me having ednos means I’m not even good at having eating disorder I can’t even met the criteria for anorexia or bulimia. I know that it’s a very strict criteria and you could be 15% under weight and still have a period there for you have ednos or only binge and purge once a week so you have ednos. But it feels I’ve failed. The voice in my head says I’m fat If I was diagnosed with anorexia id be skinny because we’ll that’s what anorexia means I know it all labels and shit but yeah that’s how I feel