Here we go again

So I was driving home and heard Here we go again by demi lovato, and it PERFECTLY describes my relationship with my eating disorder, 

lyrics:

I throw all of your stuff away
Then I clear you out of my head
I tear you out of my heart
And ignore all your messages
I tell everyone we are through
‘Cause I’m so much better without you
But it’s just another pretty lie
‘Cause I break down
Every time you come around
(Uh, Oh Uh, Oh)

So how did you get here under my skin
Swore that I’d never let you back in
Should’ve known better
Then trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re fallin’ together
You think that by now I’d know
‘Cause here we go go go again

You never know what you want
And you never say what you mean
But I start to go insane
Everytime that you look at me
You only hear half of what I say
And you’re always showing up too late
And I know that I should say goodbye
But it’s no use
Can’t be with or without you
(Uh, Oh Uh, Oh)

So how did you get here under my skin
Swore that I’d never let you back in
Should’ve known better
Then trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re fallin’ together
You think that by now I’d know
‘Cause here we go go go again

And again and again and again
I throw all your stuff away
And then I cleared you out of my head
And I tore you out of my heart
(Uh, Oh Uh, Oh)

So how did you get here under my skin
Swore that I’d never let you back in
Should’ve known better
Then trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re fallin’ together
You think that by now I’d know
‘Cause here we go go

Here we go again
Here we go again
Should’ve known better
Then trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Again and again and again and again

 

Basically it saying I try to get rid of it but I never really can because I always come back to my eating disorder

It describes recovery and relapse

What sparked this?

Well I had an appointment with my treatment team, and Im not eating enough im still restricting and if I want to move forward with life (my new job) I need to eat more or I wont be able to function ill continue being really tired and sick. So I need to make a decision do I throw myself under the bus before I even start and keep restricting, do I eat more on days I work or do I just eat how much im supposed to and fight eating disorder thoughts I wish this was easier.

 

Here we go again