Psych appointment

So i have been seeing a psychologist since I was 10, my current one since January 2013 so over a year. I have been through several hospitalizations, suicide attempts, countless medication changes, severe depression, severe anxiety, an eating disorder and more. Since January all though my eating disorder has gotten worst I was put on a new medication called Saphris its an anti psychotic and since then my suicide thoughts have almost disappeared, I had chronic suicidal thoughts it was basically all I thought about all the time. Now I just got a job (which I had to quit a year ago because I was in the hospital so much and I was on so many meds I couldn’t work) Im working towards moving out with my boyfriend. I have my days with depression but its so much better then it was. I rarely think of suicide, I still have the thoughts but I haven’t attempted in over a year. So my psychologist was really happy today and said Ive come a long way. He was so happy to hear I got a job and all my meds at working properly.

anyway yay positive post

Here we go again

So I was driving home and heard Here we go again by demi lovato, and it PERFECTLY describes my relationship with my eating disorder, 

lyrics:

I throw all of your stuff away
Then I clear you out of my head
I tear you out of my heart
And ignore all your messages
I tell everyone we are through
‘Cause I’m so much better without you
But it’s just another pretty lie
‘Cause I break down
Every time you come around
(Uh, Oh Uh, Oh)

So how did you get here under my skin
Swore that I’d never let you back in
Should’ve known better
Then trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re fallin’ together
You think that by now I’d know
‘Cause here we go go go again

You never know what you want
And you never say what you mean
But I start to go insane
Everytime that you look at me
You only hear half of what I say
And you’re always showing up too late
And I know that I should say goodbye
But it’s no use
Can’t be with or without you
(Uh, Oh Uh, Oh)

So how did you get here under my skin
Swore that I’d never let you back in
Should’ve known better
Then trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re fallin’ together
You think that by now I’d know
‘Cause here we go go go again

And again and again and again
I throw all your stuff away
And then I cleared you out of my head
And I tore you out of my heart
(Uh, Oh Uh, Oh)

So how did you get here under my skin
Swore that I’d never let you back in
Should’ve known better
Then trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re fallin’ together
You think that by now I’d know
‘Cause here we go go

Here we go again
Here we go again
Should’ve known better
Then trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Again and again and again and again

 

Basically it saying I try to get rid of it but I never really can because I always come back to my eating disorder

It describes recovery and relapse

What sparked this?

Well I had an appointment with my treatment team, and Im not eating enough im still restricting and if I want to move forward with life (my new job) I need to eat more or I wont be able to function ill continue being really tired and sick. So I need to make a decision do I throw myself under the bus before I even start and keep restricting, do I eat more on days I work or do I just eat how much im supposed to and fight eating disorder thoughts I wish this was easier.

 

Here we go again

June blues

A year ago today I attempted suicide
A bottle of pills on a random impulse (I went off my meds because I thought they were making me fat it was under a doctors supervision thou) the ironic thing is I was going to a support group for people who had attempted suicide.
I got my rights taken away and put on a form 1 (meaning i was a risk to myself and had to stay on observation for 72 hours) they also tried to take my licences away. I quit my job because I felt to mentally unstable to work. So yeah it sucked.
I’d love to say I’m like 100% better everything’s lovely but it’s not
I’ve been in bed all day because I’m so tired from my iron being so low because I’ve starved myself for so long. I don’t even know if I wish I died or not that day.
Ug the struggle

Getting a job

In feb 2013 I was hospitalized for being suicidal I then attempted in hospital a month later and ended up being in hospital until may 2013 I got out and went back to work but then end of June 2013 I attempted suicide again. I decided to quit my job because I felt to mentally unstable.

I have been off work since then, I have felt so stupid beiNg 20 years old not working on disability due to mental illness.

But about a month ago me and my boyfriend decided we wanted to move out so I decided maybe it was time to get a job.

Yesterday I went to a job fair and landed a job! I start Friday I’m excited but scared I won’t be able to handle it I’m still not eating enough my irons very low which makes me tired and dizzy all the time. My depression and anxiety are so bad I can’t get out of bed some days but hey mite as we’ll give it a try I don’t know how I’m going to do it

Wish me luck
Maybe this is what I need to encourage me to eat more and try harder

Exercise Bulimia

Something most people dont realize is that its not just throwing up that is a type of Bulimia there is also exercise “purging”.

Its healthy for someone to exercise but when it has the wrong intentions its can get out of hand. The way I looked at it was if I burned off the calories that I ate then it was gone. If I burned off more then I ate then Im going to lose weight. 

So when is it an exercise addiction rather then just healthy exercising?

• Missing work, school and other important events in order to work out
• Working out with an injury or while sick
• Becoming unusually depressed if unable to exercise
• Working out for hours at a time each day
• Not taking any rest or recovery days
• Defining self-worth in terms of performance
• Justifies excessive behavior by defining self as a “special” elite athlete
• Depression or agitation when unable to work out
• Amenorrhea, the stop of a woman’s menstrual cycle
• Isolation from others while working out

If I missed a day of working out I would feel so guilty, or If I knew I couldnt work out for some reason that day (which only happened on extreme occasions) I would just fast that day.

Once I started recovery I was told I had to stop working out in order to get better and not put my health at risk, and I did stop I hated working out most the time it was like a shitty chore. But I miss it now its been 3 months since I stopped, I cant even go for a walk around the block without counting it as calories burnt. And I feel like im getting fatter and out of shape because Im not working out. its like some of my control is gone, ive just given it away. So im at a point now where im like do I try working out again? Maybe I can do it healthly (doubt it probably wont happen because Ive had a problem with this for 4 years) When you work out though people admire you for working hard, you see results but when your not eating enough its so hard.

Who cares about weight!

So what?

I dont have a thigh gap

No bikini bridge

My stomach isnt concaved

My Chest bones arent showing

But why does it matter

why does any of that matter because It shouldnt being skinny wont get you anywhere

you can wear nice clothes at size 5 or size 0 or size 22 for that matter because they make nice clothes to fit ANY body type!

Recovery as far as im concerned is the only option now, Losing weight is no longer an option working out until I pass out can not happen anymore Its time to move forward Yes that means eating eating more then 300 calories a day. I will enjoy things again I will get along better with my boyfriend I will have the energy to work I wont want to kill myself all the time

I WILL RECOVER  

 

Life with an ed

I wake up in the morning then lie in bed awake for a hour trying to avoid breakfast then when I can’t take the hunger pains anymore I get up look in the mirror at how fat I am then go pee (I always have to pee before I weigh myself) weigh myself and fight with myself some more in the bathroom

Then I’ll measure up 1 cup of cereal with unsweetened almond milk since it’s got like no calories in it so it’s safe. I eat as slow as I can since this will be the only thing I’m eating till I’m forced to eat at dinner.

I then go to get dressed first I pinch my fat in the mirror maybe cry abit over how big I am then I try on several different things before im finally happy with something that doesn’t make me look obese.

Then I’ll start my day of well doing nothing because I’m so hungry and sick I can’t function I don’t work or go to school I’m to sick to.

All day I’m fighting thoughts of how hungry and fat I am but I can’t eat because I’ll gain weight and I have to stay under x amount of calories

Then come 430 it’s time to start dinner which consists of vegetables and maybe a small chicken breast (it’s the same thing every night) while my dinners cooking I’ll lie in my bed because I don’t want to talk to my family since I’m so grumpy and I’m dizzy from not eating all day and it smells so good I mite eat the whole kitchen if I don’t restrain myself.

After I eat I’ll feel so guilty for having did I eat to much? What have I done?

So I’ll go to the gym and work out for 2 hours and I must burn x amount of calories i don’t care if I’m going to faint it has to happen or I’ll cut I stand there working out looking around wondering who will help me if I faint

Then I go weigh myself see if maybe I lost weigh from working out which ofcourse I have gained (water weight) from the morning.

I then some how drive home without passing out and go have a shower look at how gross am I think hey has my stomach gotten bigger since i last looked get upset over the that my thighs touch and I can’t see my hip bones.

Then I enter in my exercise into my fitness pal and feel some sense of accomplishment that I’ve burnt way more calories than I’ve eaten today I plan everything I’m going to eat the next day make sure that I have added up all the calories

I drink 4 bottles of water to keep the hunger away and to distract myself from how hungry I am

Then once it’s 9pm I’m so suicidal that I better go to sleep so I don’t kill myself I then line up the 10 pills I have to take before bed

Then I know the next day I’ll be doing this all over again

And how sad is that

This is me when I was at my worst I’m happy to say I’m not in that place anymore

Constantly

My mind is full of constant thoughts

Im constantly second guessing myself,

Constantly trying to convince myself that im okay

Constantly trying to convince myself that Im good enough

Constantly trying to convince myself not to kill myself or hurt myself

Constantly telling myself im fat

Constantly trying to reason with myself to eat/not eat

Always doubting myself

but why?

I wish I could stop thinking so much and be normal

Why Recovery?

So Im here thinking why do I want to recover? really why?

 

• To have a family
• To improve my relationship with my boyfriend
• To feel better about myself
• So im doing everything I possible can to fight my depression + Anxiety (since eating or lack of eating effects your mood)
• So I can move forward with life
• To improve my mood
• So my medications work properly (I was told they wont work properly if im malnourished) 
• To be able to eat what I want when I want and not hate myself for it
• So I can live my life
• To not compare myself to everyone I see and see people for people not just collarbones,hipbones,thigh gaps
• To have more energy 
• So my life wont revolve around weight, calories and food
• So my hair doesnt fall out anymore 
• So im not that “girl with the eating disorder” anymore
• To be healthy

And im sure theres even more.