Here we go again

So I was driving home and heard Here we go again by demi lovato, and it PERFECTLY describes my relationship with my eating disorder, 

lyrics:

I throw all of your stuff away
Then I clear you out of my head
I tear you out of my heart
And ignore all your messages
I tell everyone we are through
‘Cause I’m so much better without you
But it’s just another pretty lie
‘Cause I break down
Every time you come around
(Uh, Oh Uh, Oh)

So how did you get here under my skin
Swore that I’d never let you back in
Should’ve known better
Then trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re fallin’ together
You think that by now I’d know
‘Cause here we go go go again

You never know what you want
And you never say what you mean
But I start to go insane
Everytime that you look at me
You only hear half of what I say
And you’re always showing up too late
And I know that I should say goodbye
But it’s no use
Can’t be with or without you
(Uh, Oh Uh, Oh)

So how did you get here under my skin
Swore that I’d never let you back in
Should’ve known better
Then trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re fallin’ together
You think that by now I’d know
‘Cause here we go go go again

And again and again and again
I throw all your stuff away
And then I cleared you out of my head
And I tore you out of my heart
(Uh, Oh Uh, Oh)

So how did you get here under my skin
Swore that I’d never let you back in
Should’ve known better
Then trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re fallin’ together
You think that by now I’d know
‘Cause here we go go

Here we go again
Here we go again
Should’ve known better
Then trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Again and again and again and again

 

Basically it saying I try to get rid of it but I never really can because I always come back to my eating disorder

It describes recovery and relapse

What sparked this?

Well I had an appointment with my treatment team, and Im not eating enough im still restricting and if I want to move forward with life (my new job) I need to eat more or I wont be able to function ill continue being really tired and sick. So I need to make a decision do I throw myself under the bus before I even start and keep restricting, do I eat more on days I work or do I just eat how much im supposed to and fight eating disorder thoughts I wish this was easier.

 

Here we go again

Getting a job

In feb 2013 I was hospitalized for being suicidal I then attempted in hospital a month later and ended up being in hospital until may 2013 I got out and went back to work but then end of June 2013 I attempted suicide again. I decided to quit my job because I felt to mentally unstable.

I have been off work since then, I have felt so stupid beiNg 20 years old not working on disability due to mental illness.

But about a month ago me and my boyfriend decided we wanted to move out so I decided maybe it was time to get a job.

Yesterday I went to a job fair and landed a job! I start Friday I’m excited but scared I won’t be able to handle it I’m still not eating enough my irons very low which makes me tired and dizzy all the time. My depression and anxiety are so bad I can’t get out of bed some days but hey mite as we’ll give it a try I don’t know how I’m going to do it

Wish me luck
Maybe this is what I need to encourage me to eat more and try harder

its the eating disorder talking..

So I found a bag of clothes from last year that I put away for the winter,

And I tried on the clothes knowing I went up a size in shorts but I thought they fit last year so many they will fit this year,

wrong wrong wrong. And ofcourse im upset and ofcourse I want to starve myself and fast and workout like crazy and maybe even purge. But Im not going to because ive come this far in a few months, Yeah its not like ive stopped restricting completely my bodys probably still in starvation mode, but im not losing anymore weight (that I know of I have no scale) (so that was another big deal throwing away my scale and to stop weighing myself) Ive stopped working out completely, which was my way of purging and ive started treatment. But right now I want to self harm and I want to be skinny and its all the eating disorder talking because really what does thin really matter so if the size & weight I want to be? Will I be happy? the answer I know is no I wont be. So why am I putting myself through all this suffering I wish I could just flip a switch and stop caring about all this but It wont stop and its killing me. And for the record I hate sizes why cant all clothing be a one size fits all kind of deal. We shouldn’t be defined by the size of our jeans it all comes back to society says we should weigh a certain weight and eat a certain way and all the famous people are skinny. But thats not real life real life everyones all different sizes and shapes. And BMI thats all crap to, because it doesnt take in what a persons genes are and there muscle, I heard it doesnt even work if your under 5`5 (which I am). Thats all thats my rant. Moral of this whole thing is eating disorders suck and are hell and I wish they would go away

Who cares about weight!

So what?

I dont have a thigh gap

No bikini bridge

My stomach isnt concaved

My Chest bones arent showing

But why does it matter

why does any of that matter because It shouldnt being skinny wont get you anywhere

you can wear nice clothes at size 5 or size 0 or size 22 for that matter because they make nice clothes to fit ANY body type!

Recovery as far as im concerned is the only option now, Losing weight is no longer an option working out until I pass out can not happen anymore Its time to move forward Yes that means eating eating more then 300 calories a day. I will enjoy things again I will get along better with my boyfriend I will have the energy to work I wont want to kill myself all the time

I WILL RECOVER  

 

Why I dont want anorexia

A few months ago, when my cousin told me she had anorexia, I was jealous. Here I am with ednos, and like im a lame excuse for a having an eating disorder, Im not even skinny. Im not 15% underweight to be diagnosed anorexic. But really why would I want that.  Why would it to get to that point where im so skinny in order to recover I have to gain a ton of weight, that would be terrible. Its already the end of the world when I gain 1 or 2 lbs never mind having to gain like 20lbs to recover. I was already scared to death when I went to my doctors appointment and they told me some of the effects starving myself was having on my body but imagination if I was underweight on top of that and I was even sicker.  Yes I want to be skinny Yes I want to be sickly skinny but is it really worth it. If im already suffering why would I want to suffer more.

about me

My name is Stephanie, im 20 years old and I have an eating disorder. It basically defines my life right now. But im beginning to recover. I also have many mental illness diagnosis, depression, severe anxiety, panic disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and post tramic stress disorder. I have self harmed since I was 14 years old. But I have been trying to stop for about a year now. There is more to me then just diagnosis, I want to get better and live a normal life, if thats possible. I want to get to the point where im well enough to help other people, and stop them from hurting themselves the way I am/have. I have a boyfriend I have been with for 3 years, hes what keeps me going and what I want to get better for.