Calories

Calories; A calorie is a unit of energy. In nutrition and everyday language, calories refer to energy consumption through eating and drinking and energy usage through physical activity. For example, an apple may have 80 calories, while a 1 mile walk may use up about 100 calories.

Calories to me; evil numbers that make me fat and if I have to many I hate myself for it so much I want to hurt myself or purge.

So today I’ve had the most calories I’ve had In a year and it’s killing me. I thought there was less calories then there was in something I ate which messed me up all day. I just want to get rid of all of them. I know I worked today and I need to eat more on days I work but this is unacceptable.

Psych appointment

So i have been seeing a psychologist since I was 10, my current one since January 2013 so over a year. I have been through several hospitalizations, suicide attempts, countless medication changes, severe depression, severe anxiety, an eating disorder and more. Since January all though my eating disorder has gotten worst I was put on a new medication called Saphris its an anti psychotic and since then my suicide thoughts have almost disappeared, I had chronic suicidal thoughts it was basically all I thought about all the time. Now I just got a job (which I had to quit a year ago because I was in the hospital so much and I was on so many meds I couldn’t work) Im working towards moving out with my boyfriend. I have my days with depression but its so much better then it was. I rarely think of suicide, I still have the thoughts but I haven’t attempted in over a year. So my psychologist was really happy today and said Ive come a long way. He was so happy to hear I got a job and all my meds at working properly.

anyway yay positive post

Here we go again

So I was driving home and heard Here we go again by demi lovato, and it PERFECTLY describes my relationship with my eating disorder, 

lyrics:

I throw all of your stuff away
Then I clear you out of my head
I tear you out of my heart
And ignore all your messages
I tell everyone we are through
‘Cause I’m so much better without you
But it’s just another pretty lie
‘Cause I break down
Every time you come around
(Uh, Oh Uh, Oh)

So how did you get here under my skin
Swore that I’d never let you back in
Should’ve known better
Then trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re fallin’ together
You think that by now I’d know
‘Cause here we go go go again

You never know what you want
And you never say what you mean
But I start to go insane
Everytime that you look at me
You only hear half of what I say
And you’re always showing up too late
And I know that I should say goodbye
But it’s no use
Can’t be with or without you
(Uh, Oh Uh, Oh)

So how did you get here under my skin
Swore that I’d never let you back in
Should’ve known better
Then trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re fallin’ together
You think that by now I’d know
‘Cause here we go go go again

And again and again and again
I throw all your stuff away
And then I cleared you out of my head
And I tore you out of my heart
(Uh, Oh Uh, Oh)

So how did you get here under my skin
Swore that I’d never let you back in
Should’ve known better
Then trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re fallin’ together
You think that by now I’d know
‘Cause here we go go

Here we go again
Here we go again
Should’ve known better
Then trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Again and again and again and again

 

Basically it saying I try to get rid of it but I never really can because I always come back to my eating disorder

It describes recovery and relapse

What sparked this?

Well I had an appointment with my treatment team, and Im not eating enough im still restricting and if I want to move forward with life (my new job) I need to eat more or I wont be able to function ill continue being really tired and sick. So I need to make a decision do I throw myself under the bus before I even start and keep restricting, do I eat more on days I work or do I just eat how much im supposed to and fight eating disorder thoughts I wish this was easier.

 

Here we go again

June blues

A year ago today I attempted suicide
A bottle of pills on a random impulse (I went off my meds because I thought they were making me fat it was under a doctors supervision thou) the ironic thing is I was going to a support group for people who had attempted suicide.
I got my rights taken away and put on a form 1 (meaning i was a risk to myself and had to stay on observation for 72 hours) they also tried to take my licences away. I quit my job because I felt to mentally unstable to work. So yeah it sucked.
I’d love to say I’m like 100% better everything’s lovely but it’s not
I’ve been in bed all day because I’m so tired from my iron being so low because I’ve starved myself for so long. I don’t even know if I wish I died or not that day.
Ug the struggle

Getting a job

In feb 2013 I was hospitalized for being suicidal I then attempted in hospital a month later and ended up being in hospital until may 2013 I got out and went back to work but then end of June 2013 I attempted suicide again. I decided to quit my job because I felt to mentally unstable.

I have been off work since then, I have felt so stupid beiNg 20 years old not working on disability due to mental illness.

But about a month ago me and my boyfriend decided we wanted to move out so I decided maybe it was time to get a job.

Yesterday I went to a job fair and landed a job! I start Friday I’m excited but scared I won’t be able to handle it I’m still not eating enough my irons very low which makes me tired and dizzy all the time. My depression and anxiety are so bad I can’t get out of bed some days but hey mite as we’ll give it a try I don’t know how I’m going to do it

Wish me luck
Maybe this is what I need to encourage me to eat more and try harder

Self harm

If you don’t know what self harm is :
Self-harm (SH) or deliberate self-harm (DSH) includes self-injury (SI) and self-poisoning and is defined as the intentional, direct injuring of body tissue most often done without suicidal intentions.

Anyway I started cutting when I was 14 but self harming when I was probably 10. I am 20 now so that’s 10 years! Which is nuts, as of today in 33 days clean. It’s such a hard habit to kick I stop for a bit then come back to it. It’s an addiction. The feeling you get from cutting the one second that you feel alright but then comes the scars and the guilt it’s never worth it but I can’t seem to get that through my head. I know hundreds of way to stop the urge and distract myself I guess it’s just finding what works and I’ve got a few ways right now that work. So if you self harm and want to stop (I know you mite be thinking why would u want to hurt yourself but I went through a stage where I’d harm myself several times a day and didn’t want to stop I needed it) keep trying to stop and don’t give up one day clean is better then zero!

What this eating disorder has done to me

I wish I could go back and stop myself from restricting I never had a healthy relationship with food I’ve always restricting on and off and exercised obsessively but if I could back to the day I decided that’s it no more food I would and I’d tell myself everything I could lose and how sick it could make me

So here’s so far (and hopefully this is all it ever is) everything I’ve lost (or in result) from my eating disorder

Physical health:

I’m anemic, causing me to be tired all the time and weak.

My vitamin d levels are low causing me to be more depressed

My estrogen levels are so low that I’ve lost my period for 7 months now
It’s ruined my sex live with my boyfriend (no sex drive and it hurts to much)
I have mood swings from as a result of my hormone levels being low to

My hair is falling out like crazy my nails are peeling

I can’t concentrate at all (could be due to low vitamin levels or psychological issues)

Don’t even get me started on constipation that’s something you wouldn’t think came with an eating disorder but no food in = no food out

And thankful that’s all for now more blood tests tomorrow

Mental health:

Depression
I’ve always been depressed but now it’s just added on top of everything else

More anxiety
Due to food and weight concerns

OCD
I’ve always had some OCD but with my ed it’s gotten worst (which often happens with OCD and eating disorders) I obsess over everything

Sleeping problems
Without my medication I can not sleep at all no matter how tired I am

Life problems

Relationship with my boyfriend
Has suffered

Relationships with friends
What friends?

I can’t work or go to school because I’m to sick and not eating enough

I don’t want to lose anymore to this stupid eating disorder

What it means to have ednos (eating disorder not otherwise specified)

If you don’t know what ednos is here a quick summery
ating disorder not otherwise specified (EDNOS) is an eating disorder that does not meet the criteria for anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa.[1] Thus, individuals who have clinically significant eating disorders that do not meet DSM-V criteria for anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa are diagnosed with EDNOS. Individuals with EDNOS usually fall into one of three groups: subthreshold symptoms of anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa, mixed features of both disorders, or extremely atypical eating behaviors that are not characterized by either of the other established disorders.[2] In other words, EDNOS acts as a default category, and is defined by what it is not. Currently, EDNOS is the most commonly diagnosed eating disorder in clinical settings.

Thank you wiki

Anyway to me having ednos means I’m not even good at having eating disorder I can’t even met the criteria for anorexia or bulimia. I know that it’s a very strict criteria and you could be 15% under weight and still have a period there for you have ednos or only binge and purge once a week so you have ednos. But it feels I’ve failed. The voice in my head says I’m fat If I was diagnosed with anorexia id be skinny because we’ll that’s what anorexia means I know it all labels and shit but yeah that’s how I feel

Exercise Bulimia

Something most people dont realize is that its not just throwing up that is a type of Bulimia there is also exercise “purging”.

Its healthy for someone to exercise but when it has the wrong intentions its can get out of hand. The way I looked at it was if I burned off the calories that I ate then it was gone. If I burned off more then I ate then Im going to lose weight. 

So when is it an exercise addiction rather then just healthy exercising?

• Missing work, school and other important events in order to work out
• Working out with an injury or while sick
• Becoming unusually depressed if unable to exercise
• Working out for hours at a time each day
• Not taking any rest or recovery days
• Defining self-worth in terms of performance
• Justifies excessive behavior by defining self as a “special” elite athlete
• Depression or agitation when unable to work out
• Amenorrhea, the stop of a woman’s menstrual cycle
• Isolation from others while working out

If I missed a day of working out I would feel so guilty, or If I knew I couldnt work out for some reason that day (which only happened on extreme occasions) I would just fast that day.

Once I started recovery I was told I had to stop working out in order to get better and not put my health at risk, and I did stop I hated working out most the time it was like a shitty chore. But I miss it now its been 3 months since I stopped, I cant even go for a walk around the block without counting it as calories burnt. And I feel like im getting fatter and out of shape because Im not working out. its like some of my control is gone, ive just given it away. So im at a point now where im like do I try working out again? Maybe I can do it healthly (doubt it probably wont happen because Ive had a problem with this for 4 years) When you work out though people admire you for working hard, you see results but when your not eating enough its so hard.

its the eating disorder talking..

So I found a bag of clothes from last year that I put away for the winter,

And I tried on the clothes knowing I went up a size in shorts but I thought they fit last year so many they will fit this year,

wrong wrong wrong. And ofcourse im upset and ofcourse I want to starve myself and fast and workout like crazy and maybe even purge. But Im not going to because ive come this far in a few months, Yeah its not like ive stopped restricting completely my bodys probably still in starvation mode, but im not losing anymore weight (that I know of I have no scale) (so that was another big deal throwing away my scale and to stop weighing myself) Ive stopped working out completely, which was my way of purging and ive started treatment. But right now I want to self harm and I want to be skinny and its all the eating disorder talking because really what does thin really matter so if the size & weight I want to be? Will I be happy? the answer I know is no I wont be. So why am I putting myself through all this suffering I wish I could just flip a switch and stop caring about all this but It wont stop and its killing me. And for the record I hate sizes why cant all clothing be a one size fits all kind of deal. We shouldn’t be defined by the size of our jeans it all comes back to society says we should weigh a certain weight and eat a certain way and all the famous people are skinny. But thats not real life real life everyones all different sizes and shapes. And BMI thats all crap to, because it doesnt take in what a persons genes are and there muscle, I heard it doesnt even work if your under 5`5 (which I am). Thats all thats my rant. Moral of this whole thing is eating disorders suck and are hell and I wish they would go away