Calories

Calories; A calorie is a unit of energy. In nutrition and everyday language, calories refer to energy consumption through eating and drinking and energy usage through physical activity. For example, an apple may have 80 calories, while a 1 mile walk may use up about 100 calories.

Calories to me; evil numbers that make me fat and if I have to many I hate myself for it so much I want to hurt myself or purge.

So today I’ve had the most calories I’ve had In a year and it’s killing me. I thought there was less calories then there was in something I ate which messed me up all day. I just want to get rid of all of them. I know I worked today and I need to eat more on days I work but this is unacceptable.

Here we go again

So I was driving home and heard Here we go again by demi lovato, and it PERFECTLY describes my relationship with my eating disorder, 

lyrics:

I throw all of your stuff away
Then I clear you out of my head
I tear you out of my heart
And ignore all your messages
I tell everyone we are through
‘Cause I’m so much better without you
But it’s just another pretty lie
‘Cause I break down
Every time you come around
(Uh, Oh Uh, Oh)

So how did you get here under my skin
Swore that I’d never let you back in
Should’ve known better
Then trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re fallin’ together
You think that by now I’d know
‘Cause here we go go go again

You never know what you want
And you never say what you mean
But I start to go insane
Everytime that you look at me
You only hear half of what I say
And you’re always showing up too late
And I know that I should say goodbye
But it’s no use
Can’t be with or without you
(Uh, Oh Uh, Oh)

So how did you get here under my skin
Swore that I’d never let you back in
Should’ve known better
Then trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re fallin’ together
You think that by now I’d know
‘Cause here we go go go again

And again and again and again
I throw all your stuff away
And then I cleared you out of my head
And I tore you out of my heart
(Uh, Oh Uh, Oh)

So how did you get here under my skin
Swore that I’d never let you back in
Should’ve known better
Then trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Hard as I try I know I can’t quit
Something about you is so addictive
We’re fallin’ together
You think that by now I’d know
‘Cause here we go go

Here we go again
Here we go again
Should’ve known better
Then trying to let you go
‘Cause here we go go go again
Again and again and again and again

 

Basically it saying I try to get rid of it but I never really can because I always come back to my eating disorder

It describes recovery and relapse

What sparked this?

Well I had an appointment with my treatment team, and Im not eating enough im still restricting and if I want to move forward with life (my new job) I need to eat more or I wont be able to function ill continue being really tired and sick. So I need to make a decision do I throw myself under the bus before I even start and keep restricting, do I eat more on days I work or do I just eat how much im supposed to and fight eating disorder thoughts I wish this was easier.

 

Here we go again

What this eating disorder has done to me

I wish I could go back and stop myself from restricting I never had a healthy relationship with food I’ve always restricting on and off and exercised obsessively but if I could back to the day I decided that’s it no more food I would and I’d tell myself everything I could lose and how sick it could make me

So here’s so far (and hopefully this is all it ever is) everything I’ve lost (or in result) from my eating disorder

Physical health:

I’m anemic, causing me to be tired all the time and weak.

My vitamin d levels are low causing me to be more depressed

My estrogen levels are so low that I’ve lost my period for 7 months now
It’s ruined my sex live with my boyfriend (no sex drive and it hurts to much)
I have mood swings from as a result of my hormone levels being low to

My hair is falling out like crazy my nails are peeling

I can’t concentrate at all (could be due to low vitamin levels or psychological issues)

Don’t even get me started on constipation that’s something you wouldn’t think came with an eating disorder but no food in = no food out

And thankful that’s all for now more blood tests tomorrow

Mental health:

Depression
I’ve always been depressed but now it’s just added on top of everything else

More anxiety
Due to food and weight concerns

OCD
I’ve always had some OCD but with my ed it’s gotten worst (which often happens with OCD and eating disorders) I obsess over everything

Sleeping problems
Without my medication I can not sleep at all no matter how tired I am

Life problems

Relationship with my boyfriend
Has suffered

Relationships with friends
What friends?

I can’t work or go to school because I’m to sick and not eating enough

I don’t want to lose anymore to this stupid eating disorder

What it means to have ednos (eating disorder not otherwise specified)

If you don’t know what ednos is here a quick summery
ating disorder not otherwise specified (EDNOS) is an eating disorder that does not meet the criteria for anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa.[1] Thus, individuals who have clinically significant eating disorders that do not meet DSM-V criteria for anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa are diagnosed with EDNOS. Individuals with EDNOS usually fall into one of three groups: subthreshold symptoms of anorexia nervosa or bulimia nervosa, mixed features of both disorders, or extremely atypical eating behaviors that are not characterized by either of the other established disorders.[2] In other words, EDNOS acts as a default category, and is defined by what it is not. Currently, EDNOS is the most commonly diagnosed eating disorder in clinical settings.

Thank you wiki

Anyway to me having ednos means I’m not even good at having eating disorder I can’t even met the criteria for anorexia or bulimia. I know that it’s a very strict criteria and you could be 15% under weight and still have a period there for you have ednos or only binge and purge once a week so you have ednos. But it feels I’ve failed. The voice in my head says I’m fat If I was diagnosed with anorexia id be skinny because we’ll that’s what anorexia means I know it all labels and shit but yeah that’s how I feel

Why Recovery?

So Im here thinking why do I want to recover? really why?

 

• To have a family
• To improve my relationship with my boyfriend
• To feel better about myself
• So im doing everything I possible can to fight my depression + Anxiety (since eating or lack of eating effects your mood)
• So I can move forward with life
• To improve my mood
• So my medications work properly (I was told they wont work properly if im malnourished) 
• To be able to eat what I want when I want and not hate myself for it
• So I can live my life
• To not compare myself to everyone I see and see people for people not just collarbones,hipbones,thigh gaps
• To have more energy 
• So my life wont revolve around weight, calories and food
• So my hair doesnt fall out anymore 
• So im not that “girl with the eating disorder” anymore
• To be healthy

And im sure theres even more.

 

Dear eating disorder

had to do this for my e.d groups, first one is writing to it as its your best friend second one as if its your worst enemy.

 

Dear eating disorder,

I’ve known you for quite some time now and we have gotten really close. I think about you all the time. You are always there when I need someone. When I feel out of control you always know how to help me gain control. You’ve never have left my side, even though somedays I wish you would. You are the one thing in my life I can always relie on. So thanks eating disorder for always being there for me. 

Dear eating disorder,

I hate you. You hold me back from so much in life. Your mean, controlling and demanding. You always make me feel so bad about myself. Your constantly picking on me and putting me down. Somedays I just wish you would go away forever. Your very manipulative, you always have to be right. Im not sure why I even bothered with you so please leave me alone..forever

Why I dont want anorexia

A few months ago, when my cousin told me she had anorexia, I was jealous. Here I am with ednos, and like im a lame excuse for a having an eating disorder, Im not even skinny. Im not 15% underweight to be diagnosed anorexic. But really why would I want that.  Why would it to get to that point where im so skinny in order to recover I have to gain a ton of weight, that would be terrible. Its already the end of the world when I gain 1 or 2 lbs never mind having to gain like 20lbs to recover. I was already scared to death when I went to my doctors appointment and they told me some of the effects starving myself was having on my body but imagination if I was underweight on top of that and I was even sicker.  Yes I want to be skinny Yes I want to be sickly skinny but is it really worth it. If im already suffering why would I want to suffer more.

about me

My name is Stephanie, im 20 years old and I have an eating disorder. It basically defines my life right now. But im beginning to recover. I also have many mental illness diagnosis, depression, severe anxiety, panic disorder, obsessive compulsive disorder and post tramic stress disorder. I have self harmed since I was 14 years old. But I have been trying to stop for about a year now. There is more to me then just diagnosis, I want to get better and live a normal life, if thats possible. I want to get to the point where im well enough to help other people, and stop them from hurting themselves the way I am/have. I have a boyfriend I have been with for 3 years, hes what keeps me going and what I want to get better for.